new day

I haven't blogged in a long time. I just couldn't. I could barely get out of bed and function.

I realized I was defnitely depressed. This was hard to come to terms with since I had hoped the last time I was depressed was a one-time occurance not the beginning of a lifelong illness.

My doctor put me on Cymbalta, an anti-depressant. It's been 16 days on the medicine and I'm finally starting to feel better. The depression felt so crushing. My pain literally felt so "heavy." The medicine made me very nauseous for the first two weeks which was awful. I lost 5 pounds. The depression diet - it works.

I am coming out of that dark tunnel and I am so grateful. You don't know happiness until you feel extreme sadness. Actually, I don't know if I'd describe myself as "happy" yet. But I feel better and that is huge.

It's a new day.

Just do the next thing

This is my new mantra, "just do the next thing." If I'm going to be honest in this blog, here it is. I'm in a dark place right now and i'm trying hard to find the light in my life. Not trying to sound overly dramatic. But that's what it is. Probably one of the main reasons I started this blog is to write down my feelings and try and sort it all out.

Am I depressed or is this just one of those down times we all go through? Is it a mid-life crisis "female style." I say female-style because I always think of men when I hear that phrase. You know the image of buying a little red sports car and having an affair. Stereotypes - sheesh.

All I know is lately i have a lot of questions but not a lot of answers. Big question - is this all there is? And how can i make my life more meaningful - just plain happier! I just want to wake up excited about my day and stop dragging myself through every stinkin' day. Life shouldn't be like this right?

So I came across this great piece of advice, "just do the next thing." Which can be huge when you're depressed. I feel soooo overwhelmed by just the daily stuff and don't want to even start my oh so long to-do list. But if I just do the next thing, that's something to feel good about.

So today I called my doctor and made an appointment to get help. I don't know what I need but I need something and that seemed like the logical step.

I feel lighter just by taking that step.

peace.

k

Still getting used to the idea of my blog

It's down right weird for me to be putting my thoughts out in such a public forum. Give me some time to warm up. I need to keep reminding myself that I am doing this for me but I can't help imagining all of YOU. You are freaking me out.

Stand by . . .

Had to run outside and catch the mailman. I wanted to return my latest Blockbuster movie. I love getting movies by mail - it is so cool. I am watching so many more movies since we joined the Blockbuster online. Movies are one of my favorite things to do so I am loving having them come right to my doorstep.

I just watched "Elizabethtown." Nice little film with a sweet message - enjoy life more. Boy, do I need to hear that message.

What have I done today? I am a stay at home Mom and today I actually "stayed" at home most of the day. Did a little laundry, ran the dishwasher, and worked on my girl scout troop's scrapbook album. We are getting ready to bridge to Brownies girl scouts so I am trying to get our troop scrapbook up to date. I love being a girl scout leader and helping "girls grow strong." Very cool message for our girls.

Leaving soon to take all 3 of my kids to the dentist this afternoon. It will be a long time sitting in the waiting room while all 3 kids get their teeth checked. Pray for no cavities. I will be bringing a book I'm reading, Martha Beck's memoir "leaving the saints ." I love her style of writing - she is funny and deep. I've always been curious about the Mormon faith (I'm Catholic) so it is so interesting getting a peek into her Mormon upbringing and why she eventually left the Mormon church and her search for faith.

Snow flakes are starting to fall here. Love that. But hopefully driving won't be a mess.

Sending peace out there.

k

Here I go . . .

March 1, 2006

I am here. I’ve been wanting to create a blog for months. I’ve been reading many blogs and feeling very inspired. I love to hear what other people are doing and thinking and feeling. I have so much on my mind right now that I thought this would help me sort things out. I also need to feel like I matter and what I say is important too. So I’m usually not one to jump on a bandwagon or to do what is trendy (why I’ve resisted the blog for so long). I hate doing things just because everyone else is doing them. Yuck!


This is huge for me to put my thoughts on paper. I would sporadically write in a journal but I wasn’t very good at keeping it up and I have a hard time putting my thoughts out there.

So for me this is HUGE.

I also started a photo journal today and will be taking one photo a day - just for me. I want to capture more of the everyday stuff. I think I will concentrate on me this month. What I see and what means something to me. This will be a good exercise for me to actually slow down and think about what is around me every day. What is important to me and to actually stop and look at these important things and notice them - really notice them. Too often my life is a blur . My days are the same or at least I feel that way. I took a photo of my computer in my office and my favorite breakfast - a cup of coffee and a scone. My morning ritual.

So much to say, but this is a start.

I am proud of me for starting this blog.

Here I go . . .